Kim Kardashian is Dead…NOTTTTT

…and I’m back from a 4 day weekend food coma hiatus. As I slowly return to society and dive back into the realm of internet entertainment news, what better way to greet me than with the news that my favorite entrepreneur, Kim Kardashian has selfishly died and deprived our existence of her crapper’s presence at every endorsement deal and her weekly appearance in the educational tv show called, Keeping up with the Kardashians.

I screamed and kicked my desk and banged on my keyboard in agony all too soon, because this bitch ain’t dead but rather staged her own glamorous death photo inside a glamorous coffin to raise money for Keep a Child Alive campaign.

Kim Kardashian has vowed to stop updating her status about herself every 5 minutes on Twitter and Facebook starting this Wednesday until $1 million is raised!!

Kim’s ad reads: “Kim sacrificed her digital life to give real life to millions of others affected by HIV/AIDS in Africa and India. Visit BuyLife.org or text ‘KIM’ to ’90999′ to buy her life now.“

So, apparently if you want Kim to be back on Twitter and Facebook in no time polluting your News Feed with countless status updates & pictures of herself, then go ahead and donate to get the most influential person of our lifetime back to spreading her wisdom about what the worst thing on the planet is and solving the mystery of Sasquatch.

Oh, P.S. Kim…here is a thought…why don’t you stay off Twitter, Facebook and the American television forever ANDDD donate a $1 million dollars from your Playboy & porn video sales to this great cause?