Jersey Shore Episode 5 Was an Emotional Wreck

Just in time before tonight’s new episode, let’s remember what our favorite guidos were up last week. I won’t lie, it took me about a week to fully recover from the emotional stress caused by Episode 5, which by the way should have come with a disclaimer!

Warning: Watching this episode may cause crying, depression, thoughts of harming Sammi, anxiety, talking to your television screen to comfort Ronnie and tell him it’s going to be okay, headaches, confusion, sadness, etc.

I mean, what the hell? This episode actually made me feel real emotions towards these drunken creatures. I felt sad and I didn’t enjoy that feeling one bit. After 4 days of hard work and with Friday almost upon us, the only thing I expect and demand from a Thursday night is to be goddamned entertained! Jersey Shore, you better step up your game and make me laugh at the crazy drunken grenade smushing/dodging antics! I think I speak on my behalf of everyone when I say: MORE SMUSHING, LESS DRAMA!

So everybody went out, guess where??? Karma, DUH! Sammi saw Ronnie talking to someone with boobs at a bar so she marched over to him and demanded to know why he was speaking to someone other than her.

Ron: RELAX, that’s my friend Mike’s girlfriend, you know the one with the baby?
Sammi: It didn’t look like her.
Ron: You want me to bring her over so she can show you her C-section scar?

Pauly, Mike and Vinny brought some girls home and Pauly’s girl ended up being a grenade so Vinny pulled out the Grenade Horn to let Seaside know grenades are present at the Jersey Shore house.

thanks to Vinny, Pauly dodged this grenade.

Sammi continued to act like a drunken, insecure loser and kept attacking Ron:

Sammi: Don’t you touch anybody.
Ron: I didn’t touch anybody like that.
Sammi: I saw it, you fucking idiot idiot.
Ron: On who?
Sammi: You.
Ron: On who did I touch like that?
Sammi: You tell me, bro. You fucking did it.

Sammi should immediately enroll in Law School, she’d got the mind and logic of a prosecutor.

Sammi: You never loved me, You hate me.

No Sammi, he actually loves you for putting up with your crazy ass but we are starting to really hate you at this point.

Sammi gets up and goes downstairs. Ronnie begins to throw all the clothes from her closet on the floor.

Pauly comes up to see what’s happened to the room and his reaction is priceless:

Sammi returns upstairs with a slice of pizza for Ron, as in I’m sorry.

Sammi must be blind because she fails to see all her clothes scattered all around the room in front of her, or maybe that’s normal for her, so Ronnie has to point out that he’s already begun helping her pack.

Sammi begins to cry but Ronnie giggles and says that her tears don’t mean anything and that he is on a different level than her.

Ronnie goes downstairs, curls up on the couch, and then the unthinkable happens. This juicehead begins to cry as JWoww comforts him!

JWoww: You deserve to be happy
Ronnie: I want to be happy with her, Jen
JWoww: Listen, I know. You and me are in the same boat because we have guilt. You stayed with her out of guilt because you wanted to prove that you’re a great guy, but at the end of the day, you are a great guy. That’s all that matters, and you deserve to be happy.
Ronnie: “sniffles”
JWoww: We told her the truth for her to leave you to be yourself. I didn’t know she’d flip the script. I thought she’d leave … Sammi will just bring you down and down because she thinks at the end of the day you deserve it.

The Situation goes upstairs and wakes up Sammi, who’s sleeping in her clothes from the club, to ask if she has a condom. Sammi tells him to ask RONALD and then the Situation creates a situation because his big mouth tells Sam that Ron is downstairs speaking to JWoww. WOW, good job Mike!

Vinny invites Sam to join them to bring a birthday cake to Snooki’s passed out friend, Ryder. Sam politely declines his invitation.

Mike tells Sammi not to be a bitch and to join the party:

Sammi feels hurt that Ronnie would betray her by being friends with JWoww, someone who outed Ron to Sam via a letter that he was cheating on her in Miami. Sammi demands to know if Ron is friends with such a bad person who again warned Sam she was getting played. The logic of these people is on another level.

Happy Birthday, Ryder!

Happy Birthday, Ronnie!

Sammi calls her mom to pick her up and goes upstairs to pack. YAY! Everyone besides JWoww and Ron gather in her room and try to persuade her to stay.

Sammi: This is God telling me to go,
Vinny: No, this is not God. God isn’t your ego.
Sammi: I can’t live here anymore, I’m leaving
Vinny: You need sucky things in life to make you stronger.

These conversations are so goddamned enlightening!

In the morning, Sammi finds Ronnie and apologizes for fist-pumping him in the face. Ronnie walks away, Sammi follows him. Ronnie sheds some more tears and Sammi crawls into bed with him.

Poor Mike, because he shares the bedroom with them so he must have had the best season ever.

In the morning, Vinny and Snooki go to buy a stripper pole because why the hell not?

The boys go to the Barber shop and find out that Pumba (Deena) asked Dean if she could toss his salad the other night when he slept over. Dean apparently expressed his concerns that it wasn’t clean and kosher down there but Deena assured him that the jets in the jaccuzzi made it clean.

The boys run into Deena at the gym and tell her what they heard.

Everybody went out later that night, guess where again? KARMA, duh! Deena saw Dean and told him to go away because he lied about her salad-tossing hobby. Oops, sorry Dean but you just fucked up your chances of being on TV, bro! Bet you’re sitting and biting your elbows on the couch tonight.

Sammi and JWoww apologized to each other and it was a big happy, dysfunctional Italian (sorta) family again!

But guess what, on tonight’s episode Sammi & Ronnie fight again and Ronnie gets a finger in his ass during his rectal exam.

Click here for Episode 1 Review.

Click here for Episode 2 Review.

Click here for Episode 3 Review.

Click here for Episode 4 Review.