Jersey Shore Takes Over Italy – Episode 1 Review

Thursday has officially become a triple-threat with Thong Thursdays (courtesy of my role-model, Coco) the premiere of Russian Dolls at 10:30 EST on Lifetime, and the second episode of the Jersey Shore in Italy.

In preparation for what is going to be an epic Episode 2, let’s recap what happened on last week’s episode that 8.8 million viewers tuned in to watch:

Our dear-beloved Snookie proved to be worthy of receiving $100,000 (I know, this is partially why America is in debt) per episode because either:

A. she is a damn good, Oscar-worthy actress who figured out that the dumber the shit that comes out of her non-Italian mouth, the more air time she gets or
B. her brain is completely fried from sleeping in a tanning bed & she doesn’t know anything about geography, or anything about anything

I’m going to go with B.

During The Last Supper scene, at the long table surrounded by a bunch of girlfriends, Deena (the ONLY other full-blooded Italian cast-member besides Vinny) thought “Gracias” meant “Thank You” in Itaian…really? What a disgrace.

She then asked the staged passport photographer during a staged passport photoshoot whether he liked her boobs…Sorry, Deena but I think you’re at the wrong photoshoot – this isn’t the Playboy try-outs…

Vinny is at least practicing the correct language into the mirror:

Vinny is also very proud that he finally no longer looks like a 15-year-old and has grown a beard, which now makes him look like a 15-year-old who’s just hit puberty. He is not sure if any of his housemates will recognize him with this new mature look.

Speaking of Vinny, Snooki has assured her boyfriend, Jianni that nothing will happen between her and Vinny’s beard in Italy while she packs “I love Vinny” panties into her suitcase. Classic.

The Situation is overly conceited this season about bringing his “situation” to Italy and enlightens us about the main difference between an Italian girl vs a Jersey girl - “European girls are more free-spirited.”

Italian girls are more free-spirited????? I’m sorry, Mike but we’ve all DVRed the Jersey trash you’ve brought to the smush-room after a night at Karma. I highly doubt it is possible for the European girls to exude more free-spirit than the Jersey Shore skanks.

Later at the barber shop, Mike discreetly talks about Snooks calling him up to tell him how great she looks after losing some weight so he immediately proclaims: “If she lost some pounds, I’d hit it.” When’s the episode when Mike announces that he has an std because he’s a douche and a home wrecker?

J-Woww is still with the same gorilla-juicehead boyfriend, Roger and apparently all they do is go to the gym because girlfriend looks like a bobblehead with big boobs and the face of a 50-year-old.

and then there’s Ronnie…

but GUESS WHAT, everybody? SINGLE RONNIE is back!

Ronnie proclaims Italy will give him a fresh start and “no more being a bitch.” Please, I give it till tonight’s new episode for you to get drunk, hook up with Sammi, make her cry, cry yourself, punch someone in the face (hopefully Mike) and break something.

Sammi’s motto for Italy is similar to Ron’s. She doesn’t want to sit at home anymore and sulk in her own sorrows. Sammi says after Seaside she had time to heal along with her noticeably bigger pair of boobs so she’s going to have a great time in Italy.

Then there’s this whole race between the girls and guys to get to Italy to pick the best rooms. I really don’t see the point of this since they all end up swapping spit and beds anyway.

Snooki packs 8 suitcases that are bigger than her.

During the commercial break, we’re treated to a commercial for 6 Hour Power starring Sammi and Deena. WORST. COMMERCIAL. IN. HISTORY. Please stick to “acting” on the Jersey Shore, per favore.

oh and while I was Youtubing this commerical for you guys, I stumbled across another one:

There must be some kind of law for this to save our eyes from having to watch this embarrassment.

So the guys have a connecting flight in Madrid, while the girls have one in Dusseldorf but hearing Snooki and Deena trying to pronounce that is priceless. “Dosseldorf?” or “Dolcedorf?”

Once the girls finally land in Milan, Deena asks where she can exchange dollars for pesos. Really, bitch? Why can’t we deport this idiot to some Spanish speaking country already since she is so fucking fluent in it.

En route to the house, Pauly takes notice of the narrow streets in Florence:

The boys get to the house first and it’s absolutely insane. How did these retards get so fucking lucky?

Vinny finds a bidet and gets very excited about having it clean his butthole after going to the bathroom. “Feels kind of good on a lonely night,” he tells us. Well, Vin if your mission of finding a nice, Italian girl doesn’t come true, there’s always the bidet…

The girls finally arrive to the house and here comes the scene that we’ve been all waiting for, the awkward “hello/kiss” between Sammi and Ronnie.

Pauly is very curious and excited to see “Single Sammi,” but judging by how many times Sammi says “Ron looks really good” in a period of 30 seconds, we all know Single Sammi will soon turn into Sulking Sammi. Pauly does take notice of Sammi’s bigger boobs though.

Deena admits that now she’s into the “lean-cuisine,” Pauly type and wishes to have Pauly as a smush buddy.

The big happy, Italian family leaves the house to sight-see at night and Deena and Snooki see a “ferris wheel” they end up going on.

Do I really need to point out the obvious here?

By the way, Snooki still doesn’t know where the fuck she is:

Once they get back to the house, Ron gives away his drinking problem by sitting in a corner and drinking by himself. He then approaches Sammi and Deena but since they’re sober (shocker) they are having none of Ron’s shit so he leaves them alone.

The next morning, everybody wakes up & decides to do the G out of GTL.

Unfortunately the girls get lost and don’t make it to the gym so Snooki uses the house as her gym:

Although it has barely been 24 hours since the cast arrived in Florence,  it doesn’t take The Situation long enough to create a Situation.

Mike really wants to get it in with Snooki now that she dropped a couple of pounds and does the “I’m going to tell you a secret but don’t tell anybody” trick on national television. He starts by asking Ron: “Nobody is out there, right?” No, Mike. Noone is out there besides the 2 cameras that are filming you ask “Nobody is out there, right?” I really can’t wait for the episode when Mike gets knocked the fuck out.

He then goes to the confessional room and admits that him and Snooki hooked up in LA one night when they were drunk while she had a boyfrined, and they sort of had sex. Why sorta, Mike? Could you not get it up because Snooki wasn’t as skinny as she is in Italy and now all of a sudden,  you have feelings a boner for her?

Everyone finally gets ready to go out and THE CABS R HEEARRRR!!! Mi scusi…I meant, Taxi arrivato or Taxi sono qui!

They get to the club and Deena shockingly admits that this club is much better than her favorite club at the Shore. Really, Deena? Any club is better than the best club at the Jersey Shore.

The Situation meets his first victim and uses Vinny to help translate since she no speaky english. The girl seems to be interested in being on camera for a few minutes but shortly leaves douchebag Mike. So much for those free-spirited, freaky Europeans, eh Mike? Miss the STD girls at the Jersey Shore yet? Not quite, because immediately after he gets rejected by the Italian girl, Mike rushes over to Snooki to boost his self-confidence.

Everybody seems confused by Mike’s left-field behavior. But then all of a sudden, Deena gets her wish fulfilled when Pauly agrees to kiss her. He must have had one too many limoncello shots because why the fuck would he make out with that?

Goddamn Deena’s tongue is freakishly long.

Nastiest fucking kiss ever. Get the fuck off my television.

I’ve definitely had nightmares about that kiss.