Aug 11

Russian Dolls Episode 1 Recap

After watching this “pozor” – a Russian word for complete and utter embarrassment, I thought long and hard what to make of all this.

First and foremost, let’s begin with the name. RUSSIAN DOLLS…reeeeeeally?

Here is a Russian doll:
That’s Irina Shayk, a Russian supermodel that Cristiano Ronaldo is banging.

Here is another Russian doll:
Natalia Vodianova – one of the top paid models in the world.

If you are seriously going to name a show “Russian Dolls,” cast the people who look the part instead of these ex-Soviet Republic scarecrows.

Let’s meet the cast. The most volatile creature on this show is a woman named Marina. Marina is a complete ”debilka” - A Russian word for a female deadbeat.

Marina’s bio on Lifetime’s website reads:

“Dripping in furs and diamonds, Marina, 34, is all about status. When she isn’t going head-to-head with her spirited mother-in-law, Eva (age 56), Marina runs the popular local club/restaurant Rasputin with her husband Michael and knows everyone in Brighton Beach.”

On last night’s episode, Marina introduced herself as “the owner of the most famous Russian nightclub in the world.” And by “in the world,” she meant Brooklyn.

Other memorable quotes included: “Its not about being flashy, we work very hard for our money. It’s about showing it off.”

Dear Marina,

Marina’s mother in law, Eva enters a Grandma pageant on Brighton Beach. Eva by the way is by far the most normal person on this show, who unlike the rest of the cast does not give a fuck what everyone else thinks about her. Marina has zero respect for her husband’s mother and does not want to go to the Grandma pagenat to support Eva because she feels embarassed by her.

Marina humiliates Eva on television by saying things like:

“She’s just my husband’s mother, she is nobody to me.”

When Marina’s friends tell her not to go to the pageant if she’s so embarrassed, Marina responds with:

“How can I not go. She is my husband’s mother.”

Dear Marina,

Oh and by the way, your husband is a REAL winner for being convicted and sentenced to three years probation with a $15,000 fine for lying to the FBI. Read the story here.

Another winner on this show goes by the name of Diana, whose parents brought her to America at the age of 3 for a better life.

Diana’s bio reads:

“Diana, 23, has a goal in life: find a man she can marry. Of course, her prince will need to drive a nice car and pay for absolutely everything.”

On the show, Diana is seeing a guy named Paul who she proudly states drives a Maserati. Jackpot. However, there is one small problem. “Paul is Spanish and I’m Russian,” she notes. Diana’s friend and roommate, Anastasia suggests Diana tells her Mom her new boyfriend’s name is “Pasha” – Russian for Paul, to avoid any problems.

Dear Anastasia,

please stop injecting shit into you lips. You will never look like Angelina jolie.

So Diana’s mama comes over to her and Anastasia’s apartment to cook borscht. How stereotypical. The producers really couldn’t come up with something more original? Diana’s mama gives great words of wisdom:

Mama: The woman have to be all: housekeeper, good wife, woman have to be woman.
Diana: What would u do if I was with a Spanish or Italian guy?
Mama: I tell you truth – of course I gonna be upset. You are 23 years old. Now its time when u have to do decision for the future. I would like you married only Russian guy. We have a same culture. U understand what I mean? Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt my family.

Later in the episode, Diana and Paul go on a date where she gets a free meal while telling him there’s no future between them.

Diana: My parents came to America for a reason.
Paul: To look for Russians?
Diana:  Yea, that’s what I have to be with. And I’m gonna do it.

Haha, I actually like Paul and wish he would stay around for more episodes since he seems to be the only one with common sense on this show.

By the way, can somebody please explain to me how Paul has enough money to own a Maserati but not enough to fix his teeth situation?

And that’s about it, folks. I now understand and sympathize with the Italian community for being represented by the Jersey Shore morons who in the most recent episode admired how beautiful the “Vatican” looked in Florence. And now we are are represented by botoxed bimbos who say things like “I’m seeing a guy, he drives a Maserati.”

Next week’s episode looks promising:

Categories : Douchebags